Prep Talk

Are We Rescuing Our Children Too Much?

Posted December 21st, 2015

Your day is fully planned, and there’s a lot to do. Meetings to attend, errands to run, and you’re shaking hands with the clock after dropping your son off at school. Your mind is occupied with what’s coming next as you rush around at the house getting ready to leave. You’re heading out the door, keys in hand, and the phone rings. It’s Robert–he forgot is term paper that was due today. “Can you bring it to me, Mom, pleeeeeze?” On Tuesday it was his soccer cleats–last week it was lunch. It seems like you spend half your day following your son around, making sure he’s got everything, reminding him of his schedule, and yet you’re still getting calls every week that he’s left something at home.

Sound familiar?

You’re not alone. You’ve invested a lot in his education, both financially and emotionally. You want him to do well–to be fully equipped to get into the right college. It’s natural to feel that a need to smooth the way for him. However, if you find yourself coming to your child’s rescue on a regular basis, you may be doing more harm than good. Teaching responsibility to our teenagers means giving them room to make mistakes and learn from them. There should be consequences when things don’t get done on time or something gets left behind. They’ve got to learn to pack their own parachutes in life (just as you did). In fact, some schools instill a “no rescue” policy for this very reason–to build resilience and forethought.

In fact, a recent article in the Independent School Magazine Blog talks about The Hamlin School, a girl’s school in California, that wrote such a policy in their Parent-Student handbook:

“In an effort to promote independence and responsibility, the school encourages a policy based on the premise that choices have natural consequences — both positive and negative. Students often learn best when they learn from their mistakes. If a student forgets an item at home or fails to complete an assignment, for example, parents are asked not to bring items to school. If a parent does bring an item for the student, it will be the teacher’s discretion whether or not to allow the student to have it. Allowing girls to work out solutions to their challenges on their own or with a caring adult at school builds confidence and resilience.”

This type of policy isn’t gender specific–boys can be just as disorganized as girls, and can also develop dependence just as easily. Here at the Prep we understand how important it is to teach our young men to accept responsibility, think for themselves and plan ahead, and although we don’t have an official “no rescue” policy like the Hamlin School, we have great relationships with our  parents that helps us partner with them in their sons’ education.

We’ll be sharing future posts with more tips on navigating the complexities of preparing our sons for the future. Do you have tips on teaching resilience to your teens? We welcome your input, so please feel free to reach out with questions or comments.